I was always the active tomboy kid who scraped my knees, climbed trees, played basketball with my dad, & tried to beat the other kids at whatever physical game I was in (competitive much?). 

My parents were missionaries so we traveled a lot around the States, until we landed in Pyeongtaek, South Korea to serve the U.S. military there (layers upon layers).

When I hit puberty, my body started to change. I heard & repeated in my mind, like a windup music box, a comment someone made about my body --something about being "chunky."

Now I know what I felt stabbing my insides is called "shame."

Then, on my 16th birthday, I got a Superfoods book as a gift (a pretty cool gift, if you ask me).

I became FASCINATED with how different foods could affect our bodies & health, almost like magic.

I started eating (drinking?) tomato smoothies –remember I told you I was kind of weird?– & shifting my diet from ramen & cereal to blueberries & spinach. 

Whatever weight I’d gained from puberty came off pretty quickly. I noticed. Others noticed. It felt good.

I felt like I had control (I've moved around a lot throughout my life, or others moved away, so my world was constantly changing. Control was extremely appealing.). 

My new unconscious goal became to continually exercise that control by losing weight. If a little is good, a lot is great! Right?!

I didn’t know then that I was seeking to make myself disappear. I was trying to lose myself, literally, because I subconsciously believed I was wrong, not good enough, flawed. I also was using food & exercise as ways to punish myself.

I fell into a full-blown eating disorder that consumed my entire life, mind, & body.

I ate suuuuper ‘healthy’ & took up running & jump rope. I (thought I) knew how many calories were going in & how many were going out (which is never completely accurate without highly sophisticated machines anyways).

Food & exercise were my religion, & the scale was my god. The number determined my mood, my food for the day, my exercise regimen for the week. 

It was bad, & dark, & miserable… & cold. Like sitting naked in a corner of a concrete room in a Yakutsk winter. 

It culminated into a breaking point in college, when I had to decide between making big, scary changes or leaving school & going into treatment. 

I chose to recover.

Eating disorders are the number one most fatal mental health disorder, with the second highest mortality rate of any mental health illness.

Why would you starve yourself to death, willingly? How can you be so wrong about the reflection you see in the mirror? How can you feel so in control when in reality you are so out of control? 

The years following that turning point in my life were filled with binge-restrict cycles, deep despair, utter confusion, trial & error, & tons of lonely self-doubt. 

I know what it’s like to be at war with your body. 

But I survived.

I turned the tools that I once used to destroy my body into tools to survive & thrive.

I got support. I educated myself. I kept trying.

The eating disorder monster still comes around, & it will likely never leave entirely, but I don’t listen to it anymore. 

I am no longer at war with my body. I actually like it. 

I know what to eat for my body, & why. It's not about perfection anymore, but about continually connecting with my body through food. I am not afraid of food. I can eat a salad & enjoy it, & I can eat pizza & enjoy it.

I know the power of joyful movement in my life. Because I have the education around exercise, I also know what smart training & consistent exercise looks like & how it benefits my physical & mental health. I love moving & the energy & strength it gives to my body. Today I move from the inside, from desire, from energy. Not from outside pressure or guilt.

Health is not just what you do, but why you do it, & how. 

Health is not the end, but a way of being. 

I turned the tools I once used to destroy my body into tools to empower me.

Now I thrive...